Author: Lorraine Bencivengo-Ziff, M.S.W.

Somewhere, over the rainbow…

When I was a kid, I sang this song fairly often (mostly in the shower where I would belt it out). Even played Dorothy in a school production. The encouragement I received from my 6th grade teacher spurred my desire to continue involvement in stage productions throughout my academic life.

It’s interesting how the encouragement of an adult can have a lasting impact on a child’s future decisions. This is true not only when our kids are young, but as they grown older too. They may act like they don’t hear you, but they do. They may act like they don’t care. But they do. You might not immediately see your suggestions acted upon, however, many of the life lessons you taught them as children will guide them in their actions as they raise their own children. Keep this in mind. You are guiding generations to come.

It may not always go as smoothly as you may prefer. Into every life and every relationship, some rain must fall. Try to breathe and have patience. It’s often said there is a “calm before the storm”. Remember, you can find something special after the storm clears, too. Often, if communication, love and honesty guide you, you can find a stronger relationship. And that’s a beautiful, most valuable “pot of gold” indeed.

Storms in life – in personal relationships, and even within oneself, can move in quickly. How we handle those “storms”, is what defines us. Will we let the “storms” in our life break us? We would never allow them hurt our children, no matter their age. (Yes, we parents will look to protect our “kids”, no matter how old they get.) The thing we have to remember though is that we need to protect ourselves as fiercely and strongly as we try to protect our off-spring. It begins with us taking care of ourselves. The stronger we are, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, the better we can “weather the storms” in our lives.

May the storms in your life pass quickly and may you always find the shelter you need to “weather the storm”. Invest in yourself. You are worth it.

In life, we all have roles to play. Child, adult, spouse, parent, sibling, friend, relative, confidant, student, teacher, co-worker…Sometimes we play our roles well; sometimes, not so well. Often, we are acting just as we believe we need to. We handle ourselves one way in the work place, and quite differently when home. As adults, how we react with our children is different than how we would with our friends, or when only a significant other is present. Is it always perfect? Heck no! We are human, after all. Situations can be messy. We humans are messy. Should we strive for perfection? Again, no. Perfection is an unattainable, unrealistic goal. There are no perfect situations and there are certainly no perfect people, relationships or lives. Many of us are just trying to be the best version of whatever role we are playing at any given moment.

But there is a bigger question to ponder for a moment. Do we ever take time away from all the roles to “just be” ? Many times we get so wrapped up in other’s expectations that we forget ourselves. We get lost in situations and circumstances; we become more about external elements – what others want of and from us, than who we actually are. It can be so easy to exchange one role for another, without ever truly knowing ourselves.

Believe it or not, the same is true for the people we live with. They are existing in different roles too. Maybe, when no one is looking, and nothing is expected, they would also enjoy the opportunity to “just be”. Does anyone know how to do that? Babies and the very, very young seem to know instinctively. But it doesn’t last long. Before they realize that their coos gain our kudos, and they see our happy reactions to their existence, there is a tiny window where the very young just “are”. They don’t expect anything from anyone because they haven’t yet figured out that their actions will gain them our reactions.

How do we get back to that place of knowing who we are, when nothing is expected of us and no one is relying on us? Perhaps its during situations like our current times, where we are able to gain a few minutes all to ourselves, that we can figure that out.

Carve out some time just for you. Maybe its late at night or in the very early morning, when everyone else is asleep. Maybe its during down time, when everyone around you is preoccupied with whatever they are doing. Maybe its during a shower or a bath. Drop your shoulders (did you even realize they were just up by your ears?), take a few deep breaths, (just a couple, then resume breathing normally – I don’t need you passing out on me!) In through the nose and out through the mouth. Quietly think about what you would really love to do if no roles were required, money was not an object, there were no rules, nothing was expected and you didn’t have to answer to anyone but yourself. You may, or may not, come up with something. Guess what? That’s okay! Realize that you don’t need to have all the answers. You also don’t need to disclose your thoughts to anyone. In fact, you shouldn’t. What will you do with this information? Know that you can keep it to yourself, for yourself, without any expectations attached. Maybe its then that you will (re)discover you.

The Covid-19 pandemic is something our nation, across the board, no matter the race, religion, creed and generation, is struggling with. The forced “Shelter-In-Place”, which encourages individuals to stay away from one another, has taken a toll on many of us.

Try to find things to connect with your family on, via social media. One of my sons loves puzzles. He was able to show the completed ones and discuss them in detail – types, length of time to complete and amount of pieces through text pictures.

The other of my sons loves to cook. So do I. So when I decided I was going to make chicken noodle soup from scratch, I reached out to him and to my younger brother, both of whom happen to be excellent cooks. Each delighted in sharing their own recipes.

It took all day, but making the chicken noodle soup from scratch was totally worth it. It was made with love. Know what the best part was? I got to discuss techniques and share in the success, via social media, with all of them.

In both instances, our family was able to stay close while staying apart. Happiness! 😊💕 #chickennoodlesoup #fromtheheart #lorraineziff #dearlorraine #lifelessonsforbeingaparenttoyouradultchild #family #love

Great aromas can transport us to a different time. Italian sauce reminds me of both of my parents – each made their own and sometimes would have “cook offs” (and actually, my Dad’s was better!) I’ve made sauce for every major holiday of my adult life and every Sunday when my kids were young. The aroma was meant to provide a sense of comfort to my family. On 9/11, once we had our kids safely back home and I was done providing comfort/counseling to kids in the school district where I worked (I was a School Social Worker during that terrible time), I got to work making a sauce. In addition to hugging my kids, the sauce was my way of helping them to feel safe and secure. And here we are, during yet another very, very serious time. And here I am, trying to provide comfort in a way I best know how. 🙏🏻💕 #lorraineziff #dearlorraine #lifelessonsforbeingaparenttoyouradultchild

Ever feel like you are all alone, facing the storm by yourself? Remember, nothing is constant but change, life is cyclical and this too shall pass. #LifeLessonsForBeingAParentToYourAdultChild #lorraineziff #dearlorraine

When our kids were young, it was easy to be in control of their schedule. We made the plans that determined what would constitute fun for the family. As our kids became teenagers, and their peers’s opinions were far more important to them than ours, they might not have wanted to spend extra-curricular time with us. (Who are we kidding? Teenagers think of spending fun time with their parents like one might think of the plague). Once they became adults, the thought of spending quality time with us might have appeared “good on paper”, but the reality of their jobs, children, pets, schedules and appointments often made it much more difficult for them to do so.

What’s the answer? When your adult kids invite you to join them for an experience that you might not have otherwise partaken in, be it hot yoga, paddle boarding or mountain biking, put your fears aside and try it anyway! Just because you agree to the activity does not mean you have to go fast right off the bat. It doesn’t mean you have to have the activity figured out right away. It means you are willing to try something new. This allows your adult child the ability to be in control, instead of you. It boosts their self confidence by allowing them to demonstrate their competency. It can also provide a wonderful bonding experience.

Expanding horizons, no matter our age, helps keep us informed, educated and sharp. Being open to new experiences means saying “yes” to opportunities to bond with our adult kids. It also helps us to mentally stay positive and young. Will it always go smoothly? Heck no! That’s part of the fun! Embrace it and share the good feelings with your adult kids. It will bring your relationship to a whole other level!

#lifelessonsforbeingaparenttoyouradultchild #lifelessons #dearlorraine #lorraineziff

Do not tell others that you are more than you are and do not let others tell you that you are less than you are.💕 #lorraineziff #dearlorraine #lifelessonsforbeingaparenttoyouradultchild #truth #happiness