Having a set time to talk eliminates being sent immediately to voice mail.

A woman named “Jane” called her son, Peter, an excessive amount of times per day. Of course, she didn’t think so, but Peter sure did! Jane didn’t necessarily have anything imperative to speak with her son about. Sometimes, she was bored. Sometimes she just missed the connection between them. Sometimes her calls were a diversion from interacting socially with other people. Her husband had passed and many of her friends were gone. She was not involved in much else. Much of Jane’s life had centered on raising her son. And now he was an adult, and he was rarely available for her.

Peter had a wife, kids and a busy, high pressured job. He was pulled in a million different directions and he never seemed to have time to speak with his mother. The more she tried to reach out, the more annoying she appeared, and the less he made time for her. It got to a point where he just allowed her calls to go straight to voice mail.

Jane was frustrated and hurt because she could not understand what she had done to push her son, whom she was always so close with, away. Peter was frustrated and angry because he could not understand why she felt the need to tell him every minute detail of her life – which didn’t seem to be very exciting. Of course, that feeling would be overridden by guilt which would then be overtaken by anger again. “She was young and had the pull of family and job once, why can’t she understand how crazy busy I am?” He lamented.

I suggested they agree on a set time and day(s) of the week that they would touch base, no matter what. This would be “their time” to catch up, uninterrupted, to discuss the week’s events. The exception was this: if there was an emergency that Jane really needed Peter for, she would call him and he would respond to that call right away. A non-scheduled call meant there was something, other than chit-chat, that really needed to be discussed and Peter would not let the call go directly to voice mail. This helped Jane to relax because she knew that if something dire occurred, she could reach Peter without issue. This relaxed Peter because he didn’t feel guilty for the lack of times he spoke with his mom.

I further suggested that Jane get involved with the Senior Center which offered social events, friendship and even an exercise class that she could take, in order to feel better about herself, improve her mental outlook and connect with others. This also helped Jane to have things to talk about with her son, when they had their bi-weekly conversation.

If you find yourself frustrated with lack of response when trying to reach out to your adult children, try to rememberer back to when you were pulled in what felt like, a hundred directions between family and work. Set a time to speak as Jane and Peter did. Then get out there and find things that bring you joy in life. Being happy in your own skin makes you a more interesting and fun person to be around. It will also give you more stuff to talk about with your adult kids.